The Call of the Wild

This is a guy in the German parade on my street two weekends ago. I have no idea what he was supposed to be.
I don't know who all reads this, so if you're under 18 (mentally or chronologically) you might not want to read any further. Wait like four days and maybe I'll have posted something more annoyingly mundane, as is usual.

Right now I am sitting on my couch ignoring my bored dog and counting time. My dog somehow found (this is gross, I warned you!!!) a used condom behind? attached to? under? my bed when I was moving stuff around, and I was thinking about the ridiculous length of time that thing has probably been there, and how the newest it could possibly be is like nine months old. (And yes, I do clean once in a while.) And that realization bummed me out.

Then I started counting the time it's been between now and my last meeting with MBC (Mr. Booty Call) and how many days until gets back into town (four). And that's interesting. Because I don't really like MBC. I don't miss him, per se, but I do want to be sure I clear the calendar for one evening next week. (Is that bad?) Honestly, I don't even know if I think MBC is cute. But, um - he gets the job done.

The guy was with this group in the parade. Again, I have no idea what they were trying to be. German fighters in the Revolutionary War? Oh, and in general, the parade was GREAT!

So here's the thing: I got into this arrangement with MBC for two reasons: 1) all the working out from the triathlon or maybe the summer heat or maybe the time since my last regular partner made me incredibly horny - and yet with training and the job from hell I didn't have time to cultivate anything real, and 2) though I am in truth looking for something real and long-term and romantic, my damn libido has, in the recent past (ahem, WX) allowed me to make intellectually and emotionally irrational and idiotic choices with regard to companions, and I thought that taking the damn libido out of the picture would stem that tide and allow me to more freely look for a better match, an actual friend first, a social/psychological/intellectual equal, who shows good judgment and, of course, excellent regard for me - without sleeping with him.

Good theory, right?

Well, the MBC situation has had its good points. I mean, a) it's fun. b) we've only met a handful of times, so it's still exciting, and never in my home, which is sorta of mysterious and discreet, like a little vacation (thus you can understand the extra shock when Lois brought me her lovely treasure this evening - it's definitely an oldie), and c) he lives closeby, and d) he is a good kisser (and is into that even without the romance that kissing usually connotes).


From Labor Day in Illinois near the Iowa town where my parents live, along the Mississippi River. It's still flooded all throughout that area - totally wiped out all crops and much livestock and so many homes. I wonder what last weekend's rain did? This pic is about five miles from the river, too. Yikes.

The bad thing is: I'm fundamentally lazy. Though he is "up for it" (ha ha) more often than I think I am, and it's still not that often, yet - in all reality - it's just enough to make me, well - give up on anything else. Maybe I haven't given it enough time. And it's true that I haven't been out much since mid-August - to meet anyone else - but really, I don't even look at guys the same way. I just don't care...I have my cake. I might not eat it too, but I do have it. You know?

Tonight just for fun I did my thing of talking to a stranger guy and instead of being challenging it was just - lame. It was easy and I wasn't nervous/excited at all. He told me where he got this thingie on his bike, and he was even cute! - but I just - I dunno. I think this MBC thing is not exactly making me enthusiastic about meeting men. If anything it's taking the edge off - but not necessarily in a good way.

You know?

Thoughts?

P.S. to Von - it's a rehash without the Spaten - forgive me!

Ok, I'm back

(Here's me tonight in my new cube at work. We just moved desks. I like my new area except the bright light behind my head. )

...but hopefully no one will notice that I am back to blogging, because I'm gonna use this blog as sort of a personal life slow-change tracker. I changed the title - used to be "Adventures in online dating, something else, and tempera paint" but now it's gonna be about my adventures in trying to change my life - one habit at a time.

I'm just gonna slowly add habits I want to acquire and see how it goes.

So, for the habit #1, I have been trying to strike up a conversation with a man I do not know at least once per day. It's sooooo not easy, but I was doing pretty well until I got sick last week. Then it stopped. So now, tonight, sometime before I go to bed, I have to do it. I'll let you (meaning me) know how it goes tomorrow.

George Michael and the Dating Iditarod

Here is E doing "Father Figure" on Wednesday night. Note a) the wine glass in his hand, which he sipped from during the performance and b) the audience holding up a table candle (left) and lighters (right)...

(Instead of running with my weekly fun run, I am blogging and lying in bed and petting my dog. I am SO tired. Besides, I finally had the "permanent" stitches, which my legs have been slowly rejecting over 6 months, removed with a scalpel Thursday, and my plastic surgeon said not to exercise for a few days anyway. So there.)

I just finished a week of meeting 5 (count 'em!) 5 new guys - 4 from the online personals site I'm on. I'm exhausted. I also drank beer or wine every night this week, which is also a (bad) first. Wednesday, my one night off, was a perfectly timed respite: this funny, great-idea theatre piece followed by karaoke with E at a tiny bar/restaurant/club in Uptown.

But it's also my very, very busy week at work. These crazy weeks come around 6 times a year, and basically ruin my life with constant fires to put out and constantly being behind on the many, many phone calls to make... and these weeks test my poor dog's will to live. She spends hours at home, alone, plus, topped by the dates and the drinking this particular week, I've often been asleep within minutes of getting home and washing my face. Poor girl.

Without going into detail on the dates themselves, I'll just say that meeting this many people at once has been really, really good for me. I was telling a friend - it makes me just not really care about looking or acting any certain way, and I can be myself all the more (too tired and worn out to be anything different), which I think is what dating is ultimately about.

I also have noticed the range of what people act like on first meetings. What they ask about, what they assume, and what they hide. It's definitely been interesting. There is one guy still to meet, with whom I have been trading phone calls and emails.

Then, it may be back to the damn "drarwring" (say it like Mike Myers, please) board, or maybe not. I need a couple of days to process, and with the holiday next week, and busy work stuff, my social calendar is full anyway.

This just in

Sheila and me on our "Urban Picnic" before the PB&J show - thanks Bruce F. for the pic!

Much better today because they saw me at the doctor's office and gave me all kinds of prescriptions. Didn't hear anything in my chest, though, which worries me. (So, why does it hurt, then?)

Now, when I say "they" saw me, what I mean to say is a young, not-all-that-doctory man saw me. Not my normal doctor, or anyone I've ever seen there, and his name wasn't on the door or anything. He had to have been like 28? at the most? He had a silver ring on his thumb, and his clothes were sorta old and ill-fitting. He was seriously like 12. How could he have finished med school already? And, he seemed a little scattered. Are there 3rd-tier doctors who just need a job like everyone else? But he helped me, so...

Or am I just getting old?

OK, online dating update:
S, the web guy I went out with Saturday, called me today to see if I was feeling better. He got my voice mail and said he'd call later. Still not sure on him, but what a nice guy!
J, the fun-to-email-with advertising guy, asked me for my pictures because he's too cheap to actually pay for the site and could only see my main pic. I sent them this morning, early, and this is the longest he's gone between emails to me. Good riddance.
P, the nice one who lives in the neighborhood, and I are still exchanging fairly innocuous emails, but he did apologize for the delay of three days before writing me back. No plans in sight. Makes his own furniture.
M, the journalist, had some stuff come up for him at work that precluded our tentative plans for last night, and tried to reach me via email but messed up my addresss. I was sick anyway so we are postponing til next week. All sorta good.

We'll see.

DG update: I am reading a great book, "The Surrendered Single," and I am so hyper-aware of my patterns, defenses and fears about relationships now (between the book and my own thinkin' about what happened with him) that I know if I'd just read this before meeting him, things would be so incredibly different. Which is sad to admit, but very hopeful for the next guy I feel that strongly for. I wish it could be him!! I can honestly say, though, that I am SO, SO, SO thankful that he came into my life, so that I really focused and realized that I am simply not interested in dating for dating's sake - I am really looking to meet someONE special and - gasp! - eventually get married. I'm not even scared to say that 'out loud' anymore. And I'm glad also that I started seriously swimming again, that's thanks to him, too. He was my fitness kick role model...which is funny. But if those two things are the only ties I'll have to him, they are still great ones. I also just know, now, what I do when faced with intimacy (react with fear and control and a false 'independence' that reads as rejection), and that's so important to recognize about and learn to avoid. Sometimes "self-help" books are a valuable confirmation of what you're discovering on your own.