It's December already!

And though it's busy busy busy, I am gonna try to keep up the blogging a little better. One thing that will help is that: I bought a computer.

Yes, although I am living on fumes, I managed to get the credit to purchase a Macbook of my very own. I'm thrilled for two reasons. 1) For years now, the only computer I have had has been a work computer, owned by my company, a benevolent but poor npo. In many ways, that was great - I didn't have to buy or worry about my own machine. But when it comes to storing pictures, and music, and resumes for jobs at other places, and doing personals or other things, it's SO nice to have my own machine. 2) Netflix, my crack dealer, just sent an email out saying that their "Watch it Now" movie download function is available now for macs. SO EXCITING! Now I can be a total recluse and watch movies with my laptop in bed and Lois curled up at my side. I love it. I have watched two movies that way before, last winter - with the old PC laptop WX gave me, but I haven't even tried to use it in months (it's suuuuuper slow), so now I am thrilled to be able to get movies on my own, fast mac.

I haven't had time to play with the lovely computer much yet - it's not even fully set up with a cool desktop picture, or itunes and the like. I am working on convincing the IT folks here at work to set me up with MS Office and Filemaker and

Ups and downs

It's raining out, intermittently, and I think that has a lot to do with my mood, which for the first time in a while is a smidge down - I think the rotating platter of men is empty, so that's one thing, but the other is that I can't find a roommate, which is LAME. I can cover rent alone, but barely, and it will mean I will have no money at all for anything else. There is one last chance, which is this guy from Argentina, a doctor, who only needs a place for 2 months. I am hoping he isn't put off by my place or my decor as the last girl was.

See, she was a Trixie, which in Chicago means a girl with most likely blonde hair or highlighted blond hair, a tan, and very boring but conservatively fashionable clothing, who was likely in a sorority in college, and so on and so forth. This girl was like, Oh my god about everything at my place. This is the HEATER??! What is tuckpointing?? There are no closets? No dishwasher? No central air? Oh my god the bathroom is a triangle!

See, my place is crazy and unique. It's not your normal living space. I live on a corner of one of Chicago's few diagonal streets, and the apartment itself follows the shape of the 60° angle corner, so all of the outside rooms are shaped oddly. In fact, the kitchen is so thin that a fridge has to sit in this second kitchen-type room. And, there are no closets except in the bedrooms, so vacuum cleaners, coats, out=of-season appliances, buckets, ladders (for the 10-foot ceiling lightbulb changes) and all that have to be kept out in the open.

Now I LIKE the oddness of the apartment, and love the fact that there are no side or upstairs neighbors, and that after 5pm, no one is downstairs. I love the high ceilings and the million tall windows, and I even like the fact that the space has an open plan. BUT: it's not for everyone. Plus, I have a um, eclectic?/maximalist decorating style that isn't exactly modern. I have to somehow find a person who won't mind all the craziness. And my roommate is moving out in a week.

Yipes!

Plus, Lois is sick. She has the runs, bad.

Got the fever

Lois demonstrating sorta how I feel right now about men.

Soooo, I didn't get the awesome amazing apartment. They rented it to friends of theirs. BUT they might have another place in that building or another place in their building (in a different neighborhood, which would blow) that would be smaller, but cheaper, so I am waiting on that. I haven't told my roommate yet but I think I really need to live alone and do some downsizing. I will still dream of 4 closets and separate rooms, though...that place was amazing.

Yes, definitely the problem with a makeout in the midst of a dry spell, plus the warmer weather, plus extra exercise, is the residual hormonal craziness that follows. Erg.

I drank a few beers with my friend E on Thursday night and texted P to test the waters for a possible part II (just what I said I didn't want) and got nowhere, plus he left town (phew) so now I am seriously considering other options. But there aren't many.

I remember my friend and college ex S went through a "Do you want to make out?" phase, where he'd just ask girls that...and that was effective for him years ago, I think he even got a girlfriend out of it! Problem is, at age 39, being in any situation where that line would be usable is ridiculously rare.

So I sit, and read CL, and match.com, and wonder what the hell to do next.

Guess I'll take my dog out.

In the grocery store

last night, when I was having a what-next conversation with drunkenmakeoutP, at one point I could have sworn he was telling me he hadn't had sex in like 4 years, but there was a loud cart guy next to me, and I pretended I didn't hear that, and he wouldn't repeat it. He's funny with the TMI about some stuff and then NEI (not enough information) about other things.

I also told him it was fine to have a mess-around thing, but not if we were just friends, and certainly not if there are more feelings involved from either party. He said he felt like we were friends with potential for more. I told him I didn't know him well enough to know if I wanted more. He asked me if I'd like to go to dinner again sometime. I said yes.


Me with one of my awesome nieces last week. I hope they are not single and struggling with ridiculousness at age 39. Seriously. Count this as my prayer about it.

He apologized for confusing things. He said he was still totally messed up from having cancer, and he had bouts of depression, and admitted to being a "liquid courage" seeker when it comes to women. And he was bummed that I/anyone thought he just made out with drunken women at every German event...but I pointed out that he had, right? And he said "Yeah, I guess I have - but only the last 3!"

It was pretty much the funniest conversation I have ever had in a crowded grocery store or anywhere else with a guy. I bet the people around me heard some funny shit.

He's going on a 10-day vacation Friday with his extremely spouse-like also single best-friend sister, so I was easy breezy about the whole thing and am looking forward to the break from thinking about him.

So the answer to what's next is that I have to keep it in my pants (did I tell you he was a great kisser and I was totally into the makeout? Well, I told him - last night from the grocery store freezer section).

And I have to not use this whole thing to start another bad-match relationship or unsatisfying FWB situation, and then I HAVE to concentrate on ME stuff. It's really hard for me in summer. I really, really want to have someone to make out with right now.

So the things I am trying to channel my frustrated energy into are:
- Garage sale that's on June 13 in which I hope to get rid of tons, TONS of my stuff!
- Moving, perhaps, if I get this new place (fingers crossed, please wish me luck)
- The research paper I still have to write about John Milton's late works and 10-12 pieces of criticism about them
- Doing a good enough job at my job that I can eventually hand off part of it to someone else if the higher powers approve. I've been swamped for 10 years and I am tired.
- Painting. I want to start for real again. (How many times have I said that?)
- Dating a few more people. Match.com, or neighborhood people, or just finding some more guys for the platter. There ARE good guys out there, I know it!
- Running. My training starts Saturday, and I have to learn to run long, long distances in a very short time to make it through the 1/2 marathon on August 2.

oh crap

So: you remember the last post? Well, now I went and made out with him - in public (!) last night. Great. Not sure what is happening now but I can tell that things are going to be interesting. And probably frustrating.

I got home super late, and was kept up by a freaking-out dog because of a storm at about 4am, and it's raining now for 3 days and I have a hangover, so I am sure I will mope and fret about it all day everyday...great. Oh and I have 2 doc appts. today, so I can't swim and get my mind off it.

Interestingly, I joined match.com a week or so ago and that is somewhat equally pathetic - though there have been some decent-seeming guys "interested" in me - I just can't bring myself to contact them. Then there are creepy guys or really old guys (WHY do the old guys like me?!) and it makes the whole thing even more daunting.

In other news, I was walking my dog about a block from my apartment and noticed a "For Rent" sign for a 3-bedroom apt. with laundry in the building on a 2nd floor for $700, which would be low enough for me to pay by myself (though I would be poorer than usual because right now I pay about 600ish) and I could finally at age 39 be roommate-free. I went to see it yesterday and met the landlady. It was really old and crusty but I could see it being GREAT with my lovin touch! And there's a great back yard and porch. Anyway, we'll see - I know she had a lot of interest. In Chicago, that rent, even with tenant-paid utilities, is outrageously cheap!

4am

...and I can't sleep. See, I'm getting older, and I guess with that comes the sensitivity to drastic changes in sleep patterns. Last Friday night, I went out, and came home about 1 to walk Lois. We started walking when my phone rang. Um, my phone doesn't ring very often lately, for one, and for another, never does it ring past, 11? unless it's been established via text or email with a good friend that we're awake and it's a good time to call.

On the other end of the phone is a guy, let's call him P, and he is wasted. P and I went on a couple of nice but totally non-committal/non-romantic movie and one dinner "dates" in February and early March. He was going through chemotherapy at the time and wasn't really available, but I had a good time and told him I liked him. For a while I was excited and thought he might be a good long-term prospect, even. We kept up sporadic correspondence but I didn't expect anything after a while.

So, he says he's calling to see if I made it home OK (we had been talking - and drinking - that evening in a large group.) Then, he launches into a tirade of often accusative and somewhat surprising questions, like "What's going on with us?" and "Are we a couple?" and "What are we doing?", to which I tried to answer as honestly as possible - nothing, nope, and I don't know, but it was like my voice didn't cut through at all, and when it did, he was so upset and angry by what he thought I was saying, he'd go off onto another tirade and then I would have to talk him away from that... it was super frustrating. I even said a few times, are you sure you want to have this conversation? and, P, I think you are going to regret this call in the morning... to which he replied, sometimes angrily, but all 3 or 4 times convincingly, "I'm not that drunk!"

Anyway. I took him for his word that he was up for the conversation, and told him a couple things I thought would be good to clear up. I told him I had realized too late after our first real date that when I had been having a bad reaction to cologne I thought was the cabbie's, I figured out later it had been his, and I apologized if I made him feel bad and explained that I have supersensitive to fragrances and I had felt horrible about it all these months. This was not understood at all, and I immediately regretted sharing this. He went on for 15 minutes about smelling, smells and me hating the cabbie. Ugh.

Then when he said things were awkward between us now and I disagreed, he asked how I could say that, esp. since we had had the "history"...and I said that since nothing had happened between us romantically, I had given up thinking about him in that way. This was a BIG MISTAKE. He was like "WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE CANCER?!?!" Oh my God. No, no, no, I told him, it was because he didn't show any interest in me - not keeping in touch, never kissing me, cancelling plans, and not making any plans to go out more, etc. I assumed he just wasn't that into me, which was fine, because a) I honestly didn't know if I was into him, and b) he had bigger fish to fry at the time, and I did too - and the bottom line is that I certainly want someone who wants to kiss me. Come on, right?



This did not get through either. He kept saying it was the cancer, but never did he say he *was* indeed attracted to me or anything of the sort. I rested my case that it was better if we were friends anyway. I also said, after he accidentally hung up on me and then called back, that I'd be happy to start over and go out with him again if he asked me, but that we shouldn't consider anything weird. He seemed to agree with that and be content. I finally said good night sometime before 3am. I was exhausted, but also couldn't really sleep. It's weird to find out someone has been thinking about you like that. My mind raced though all of my bad romantic choices and my lack of options and wondered if anyone would ever want to kiss me, and if any guy would ever call me to see if I made it home OK sober. I still can't get these thoughts out of my mind.

(Long story longer on P is that he ignored me all weekend even when he saw me two days later, ignored 2 text msgs, and then finally responded somewhat apologetically to an email I sent saying, basically, WTF.)

And now it's after 4am and my sleep pattern is STILL not back to normal. I might have to go home early from work tomorrow to nap or something. This is terrible! My dang ever-broken heart...wish it could settle down and not be drawn into these things!

So, it's been a while.

Me in a 5K run this season, looking geeky. How do some runners look good after 3 miles?
I dunno if this is a good thing or not, but I'm back in the blog mood. Facebook is fun, and can waste a helluva bunch of time, but I am feeling a bit more long-winded and need to sort of make a summer plan of accountability or I worry the good months will slip away.

Things I am worrying about lately:
- The final research paper I haven't finished (started) yet for my Milton class
- Cleaning my apartment and getting rid of stuff and making - then keeping - it liveable. (Can I do it?)
- Maybe moving in the fall, or trying to have them lower my rent or make some improvements already. It's really a hole.
- Work stuff, getting some more money and some help/an assistant. I'm too stressed there.
- Losing weight - about 30 pounds! Uncomfortable in most of my clothes.
- Running/jogging - I signed up for a half-marathon Aug. 2 (no triathlon this year) but still can't get motivated to run on anything near a regular basis, I just hate it so much. Thank goodness for the training group that starts in a couple of weeks.
- Guys, and finding myself a really good one, for once. Who likes me.

OK, more tomorrow.

Flicks

I am posting movies I've seen recently, mainly so I have a place to remember them. Don't worry, I'm not back to blogging again.

EU Film Festival 2009:

Mein Fuhrer (Germany)
Loss (Lithuania)
A Woman in Berlin (Germany)
Fear Me Not (Denmark)
Jerichow (Germany)
Nightwatching (Holland/GB)

Let the Right One In (rented the one with bad subtitles, apparently)

The Inspector Lynley Mysteries, seasons 1-6