In the grocery store

last night, when I was having a what-next conversation with drunkenmakeoutP, at one point I could have sworn he was telling me he hadn't had sex in like 4 years, but there was a loud cart guy next to me, and I pretended I didn't hear that, and he wouldn't repeat it. He's funny with the TMI about some stuff and then NEI (not enough information) about other things.

I also told him it was fine to have a mess-around thing, but not if we were just friends, and certainly not if there are more feelings involved from either party. He said he felt like we were friends with potential for more. I told him I didn't know him well enough to know if I wanted more. He asked me if I'd like to go to dinner again sometime. I said yes.


Me with one of my awesome nieces last week. I hope they are not single and struggling with ridiculousness at age 39. Seriously. Count this as my prayer about it.

He apologized for confusing things. He said he was still totally messed up from having cancer, and he had bouts of depression, and admitted to being a "liquid courage" seeker when it comes to women. And he was bummed that I/anyone thought he just made out with drunken women at every German event...but I pointed out that he had, right? And he said "Yeah, I guess I have - but only the last 3!"

It was pretty much the funniest conversation I have ever had in a crowded grocery store or anywhere else with a guy. I bet the people around me heard some funny shit.

He's going on a 10-day vacation Friday with his extremely spouse-like also single best-friend sister, so I was easy breezy about the whole thing and am looking forward to the break from thinking about him.

So the answer to what's next is that I have to keep it in my pants (did I tell you he was a great kisser and I was totally into the makeout? Well, I told him - last night from the grocery store freezer section).

And I have to not use this whole thing to start another bad-match relationship or unsatisfying FWB situation, and then I HAVE to concentrate on ME stuff. It's really hard for me in summer. I really, really want to have someone to make out with right now.

So the things I am trying to channel my frustrated energy into are:
- Garage sale that's on June 13 in which I hope to get rid of tons, TONS of my stuff!
- Moving, perhaps, if I get this new place (fingers crossed, please wish me luck)
- The research paper I still have to write about John Milton's late works and 10-12 pieces of criticism about them
- Doing a good enough job at my job that I can eventually hand off part of it to someone else if the higher powers approve. I've been swamped for 10 years and I am tired.
- Painting. I want to start for real again. (How many times have I said that?)
- Dating a few more people. Match.com, or neighborhood people, or just finding some more guys for the platter. There ARE good guys out there, I know it!
- Running. My training starts Saturday, and I have to learn to run long, long distances in a very short time to make it through the 1/2 marathon on August 2.

I think I'm in love

(even though I have a massive toothache that is keeping me literally in bed today until I have to go to a wedding) with this fella, Ari Melber:

Season change

Friend S with excellent Chicago-based photographer M, hiding behind sign at Obama speech party.

Does anyone still check this little blog anymore? Maybe I've filtered out some of you anonymous readers who never comment (AHEM!) by being so lax on the posting. I promise to get better. Maybe someday I will even get regular about it...

Lois running like a bat outta hell in my parents' sloping backyard. She loves it there!

I've been working - as soon as the tri was over it was back to work after taking those 4 days off, and then to Iowa for my mom's 60th birthday party, and then back to work for the (evil) busiest week of the fall. I have six of these busiest weeks a year, and they are not so pretty. Lots of phone calling which disrupts my normal web surfing and emailing. No, really, just lots of long hours, fires to put out and people to disappoint inadvertently. But: I do look forward to autumn, my favorite season, and have been responding strongly to the cooler weather!

Fog rolling onto the Mississippi early last Saturday morning - the breathtaking view from my parents' place.

I've already baked brownies twice, baked a cake (not impressed by the trader joe's vanilla cake mix, by the way), ordered take-out Chinese food for the first time in months, bought a duvet cover, rummaged for my knitting, and started actually reading a non-triathlon book, Middlesex (finally, I know). It's fun to be in hibernation mode again. And have a little more time to indulge the settling in thing.

Bike ride with stepfather (in crazy yellow bike wear) down to the south end of the path on the day of the Air & Water show in Chicago - the firetrucks (and hot firemen) hang out all along the lakefront and watch for trouble.

Since the triathlon's over, I have to do two things: 1-clean, and 2-get myself into some sort of self-directed exercise regimen. Taking the 13 days off since the event was NOT good - I feel giant, sluggish, and sore. I attempted to find time to run in Iowa over labor day wknd, but every time I had my running stuff on, some table needed wiping down or setting or an errand needed to be run. It was hard (but fun!) being one of the four people at the house who knew about the surprise and the 30+ other people secretly in town waiting to ambush my mom and her twin.

That's my aunt K totally surprised (looks fake but the tears are about to burst out) at her 60th birthday party. Big props to my stepfather who engineered the whole weekend.

Other things about the weekend were that I got to see a lot of the great kids in my family, who I love, and - I got in a huge fight (well, one of those nonspeaking things that may last forever) with my brother, who said that I should "put Lois to sleep," totally seriously, with great conviction and bilious anger. She was barking and harmlessly nipped at my cousin's boys who were getting on her nerves. My brother had been a dick to me all weekend, but that was the final straw, and I asked my aunt to take me and pooch home instead of riding in his car as I had on the way down. Sad part is that he and his wife are expecting twins this winter, and honestly, his issues with anger toward my innocent DOG do *not* bode well for fatherhood. Plus, they just lost their best babysitter!

My jerk brother (doesn't he just *look* jerky?) with my awesome second cousin. Note shirt.

SO, anyway, I ran this morning with the Saturday 8am running group from the running store - a super-slow 3 miles with Lois. It was good to get back on the horse, but I do suck. I also had a massage last night at the physical therapy place - that was the present to myself I'd been looking forward to after finishing the triathlon. It was great. I also took my very favorite dance class on Tuesday—West African Dance—for the first time in over a year, and that was awesome. I hope to add pilates to this mix and keep up the running as long as I can into the fall, then switch back to all swimming as it gets cold. I want to get faster and more comfortable with running for longer distances if I'm gonna do the international distance next year. Then, I'll have to look for a gym again, because I recently read that the drug I take for my thyroid can cause bone density loss, and weight training (something I've successfully avoided doing for 38 years) is the #1 thing I can do to combat it.

Perfect day for a family brunch/gathering in a small town overlooking the river...really perfect.

I'm boring. I know. I have so so so many more pictures to post but it's not so easy for me with my short attention span, so these will have to do.

I know

...I am lame at posting with regularity. I loaned my camera to my parents while they had my 5-year-old nephew in town this weekend, so I just got it back and took some myself - it was an exhausting weekend, but super fun. This next week is CRAZY with parties and social events, and I am getting scared of being sick or otherwise debilitated for the triathlon, which is less than 13 days away.

YIKES!

Film/music, food, etc.

Not much to report, but I forgot to post pics of a fabulous thing I attended last Wednesday with friends S, M, and M. It was at Millennium Park, where they were showing "A Throw of Dice"


- an amazing 1929 silent film from India. It was the U.S. premier of the film's new soundtrack by British/Indian Dj Nitin Sawhney, performed by Sawhney on keyboards, a male and female vocalist and tabla player, PLUS the entire Grant Park Symphony Orchestra. It was awesome.


Here's a lawn shot from behind where we were sitting - not as packed as I've seen for pop music shows, but still crowded nonetheless. Lovely night, too!


In other news I have been craving two things lately: random foods (see delicious tempura chicken, above, with farmer's market broccoli and brown rice) and - well - a man.

I call it being "boy-crazy," but you can call it what you will. I hope I'm not getting desperate - I think with the 6-month mark since my last - um - contact (?) fast approaching, I will get very brave, though. I'll keep you posted. With my training-limited alcohol intake of late, it should be interesting...

Now, I think I'm heading downtown for another open-water swim. Can't decide if I should ride my somewhat busted bike (bottom bracket trouble for you gearheads) or take a train...

Missionaries

Ah, delicious, gorgeous, pee-stinker-upper asparagus. I've been really, really enjoying you lately, as much as possible, and I am sad that our time together is almost over until next year.
Oh pals. I am f-ing up on my training schedule by being too dang tired to do stuff. Last night I didn't run (but I did this morning), and tonight I was supposed to bike for 45 minutes but I got home from work at 8 (work's busy right now, plus all the extra teaching hours) to walk Lois for a while and skipped the workout in favor of making dinner and crashing for a couple hours in front of the fan.

I do bike everywhere for work/errands, and tomorrow I'll do a workout for sure (even though it's a day off), but it's just not cool to keep missing stuff on my plan. I'm learning that one of the biggest challenges of the triathlon is adjusting your life to fit in the number of workouts necessary for a 3-sport event.

I got e-letters today from my cousin J's two oldest children, asking for money to sponsor them in a mission trip through their church to work on houses in a very poor Native American town in South Dakota. Here is what I wrote back to them (and cced their mom):

Hi X and Y,

I am so proud of both of you for going on a trip to help people in ---! What a great idea to give of your spirit, your skills, and your time for others. (And I hope it will be fun, too!) I am 100% in support of that kind of work, and I know you two will be wonderful on any project you put your hands and minds to.

Since you asked for my support, I wanted to share with you about my beliefs regarding mission work. I believe that Christ showed those of us who believe in his wisdom a way to serve and a way or route toward being good human beings, but there are other individuals and groups of people who have their own belief systems about God and what route takes us most directly toward being good loving people on and to the earth. For hundreds of years, Christians have worked on converting Native American (and other) people to their beliefs, sometimes while serving the people by helping with other parts of their lives, and sometimes not.

That history and premise of mission work—working to convince others that an outside way of thinking is better than theirs (which happens all around the world and has throughout the ages)—presents a moral dilemma to me. I want to support your trip and your convictions, but while doing so, I also want to respect the beliefs that the people in Mission already have.

So, I'll give each of you $20 toward the trip (sorry I can't afford to give more!), but I hope that you will understand that it's because I believe in YOU, not because I believe in the idea of religion-based mission work.

Thanks for asking, and I can't wait to see you very very soon!

Much love,
Cousin Poptart

Foiled

We made pears in my Monday art classes.
Well, I got outta work yesterday to find my bike with a flat front tire (bummer!) so I walked it home, took Lois for a quick walk, and had to get on the other bike to get to the tri group swimming workout, about 2 miles away. THEN, I got there late, and went to change in the locker room only to find that I had left my swimsuits, both of them, at home!! Crap. So I watched the workout and took notes, and then today at lunchtime, I did a 45-minute workout of the same drills. That's fine, but since I took Monday off because I was so tired from teaching 5 classes and working and staying out too late Sunday, I am now behind by like 3 workouts.

Tonight I'll have to run *and* do a strength training drill. But what I really wanna do is laundry, and sleep. We'll see what actually happens.

Suck

My wireless router at home isn't working, and the WX/weird ex set it up (one good thing about him was computer knowhow) and I have no idea how to fix it - I have tried calling the DSL company and the router company - so if I want to go online here, I have to sit in this awkward spot plugged in to the modem in the living room.

Erg. More later when I have more access. Wah.

Samba, grilled cheese, and makeup

Sometimes, when I am pathetic and depressed and have no, um... receiver? for my feelings of extreme fondness and loss, I eat. My fluctuating weight over the years has been a testament to that. Other times, as in the recent anguish over dating guy, I *didn't* eat, but swam obsessively, and drank. (A newish coping mechanism I rather enjoy.) Other times, like right now, while yet another wave of sadness over that inexplicable, noncommunicative fella washes over me, I am taking classes. And, more important (more dangerous), buying things. Relentlessly.

I bought:
Three summer shirts (of course, now it is 41° again)
Two pairs of flip-flops (one for pool, one for wearing 'in public')
Clearance pink puma "running" shoes
Shampoo and conditioner
Placemats that match my plates
A blue terrycloth pool cover-up (wtf?!)
A cookbook of salads ($3.99)
Sunglasses for my cousin's new baby
Two greeting cards I will likely lose before sending
Two children's books for art class
Earrings I don't really need (but they were $5)
Brown capri-length sweat pants that are sorta funny-looking and gather at the bottom in a knit cuff-like thing...
$70 @ Walgreens for soap, deodorant, 2 kinds of foundation, an eyeliner, and lotion (that girly shit is EXPENSIVE! Holy crap!)
Nail growth stuff
A bouquet of flowers from Trader Joe's (see above, when I post the pic)

I am also taking a Ukulele class (started Monday), and Brazilian Dance (which literally kicked. my. ass. - tonight), and I made grilled cheese for myself for dinner. And walked Lois for 45 minutes.

I have swam (swum?) every day this week, including Sunday. I have taken Cardio Pilates. I am doing both Cardio Pilates and swimming tomorrow, and teaching three kids' art classes.

So, what am I doing wrong here?

NONE of these things are uplifting my dark mood!!

Can't sleep...so I'm here

How awesome are these?? From Sheila and Amy's party, 03/16/07; the pies were sent over by Liz. (But they still don't make me hungry.)

I did eat most of a chicken sandwich tonight, though. And a quarter of a brownie, half a protein bar, and about three large handfuls of goldfish crackers during the day. It's a start! Maybe the '____loss weight loss' won't be an effective plan...

I think I am having a reaction to the rejection. The total rejection of me as a person - woman - lover - potential romance/long-term - and, mostly, as a friend.

That must be it. I must have a giant rejection issue. Why else would I be this completely f-ed up over dating guy?

Alls I know is: I have lots of crap to take care of, and this non-eating, non-sleeping depression has GOT to go!