Dark

I was in a great mood yesterday - which can be newsworthy for all of the obvious reasons - I've got pretty major money issues, organizational issues, I haven't been on a date in ages, I haven't had - um, romantic contact - in even longer, I don't have a lot of friends, I'm tired from a very busy season at work, and all the other stuff. But: I'd just started my triathlon group on Tuesday night, which began with just a meeting (all the people are really nice!) and a 45-minute yoga class at this sports clothing store for rich people downtown, then I rode my bike home, and had the next morning all to myself and Lois - we went running, etc. All was well.

I worked late, got home and took Lois out for a walk - it was after midnight, so my neighborhood was silent. We walked along and for some reason I turned back after passing a shoulder-height bush at the edge of the sidewalk, and noticed this tiny bird sitting there, totally silent, still (and, I finally realized, dead). But it was sitting up as if it was daytime, just hanging in the bush - letting me walk right by. It was eerie. I took a pic (above) with my camera phone.

After that, things went all dark in my head, and I found myself crying, and walking, mostly wishing someone was walking with me, or wishing there was someone I could call about the bird, or that someone would be home for me to come tell about it. I was completely overtaken by this sadness - a loss of something I've never had - sad for the bird, for myself, for all the people who are alone everywhere, who wonder, like I do, what did I do so wrong?

It was an unbelievably painful few blocks.

I got home, brushed, flossed, did 20 pushups and gave Lois a biscuit for hangin' in there with me, and played with her and a toy for a while and went to sleep pretty soon after.

And you know what? I woke up just fine today. Crying your heart out at 1am for a tiny bird inexplicably perched, lifeless, in a bush might be OK once in a while.