4am

...and I can't sleep. See, I'm getting older, and I guess with that comes the sensitivity to drastic changes in sleep patterns. Last Friday night, I went out, and came home about 1 to walk Lois. We started walking when my phone rang. Um, my phone doesn't ring very often lately, for one, and for another, never does it ring past, 11? unless it's been established via text or email with a good friend that we're awake and it's a good time to call.

On the other end of the phone is a guy, let's call him P, and he is wasted. P and I went on a couple of nice but totally non-committal/non-romantic movie and one dinner "dates" in February and early March. He was going through chemotherapy at the time and wasn't really available, but I had a good time and told him I liked him. For a while I was excited and thought he might be a good long-term prospect, even. We kept up sporadic correspondence but I didn't expect anything after a while.

So, he says he's calling to see if I made it home OK (we had been talking - and drinking - that evening in a large group.) Then, he launches into a tirade of often accusative and somewhat surprising questions, like "What's going on with us?" and "Are we a couple?" and "What are we doing?", to which I tried to answer as honestly as possible - nothing, nope, and I don't know, but it was like my voice didn't cut through at all, and when it did, he was so upset and angry by what he thought I was saying, he'd go off onto another tirade and then I would have to talk him away from that... it was super frustrating. I even said a few times, are you sure you want to have this conversation? and, P, I think you are going to regret this call in the morning... to which he replied, sometimes angrily, but all 3 or 4 times convincingly, "I'm not that drunk!"

Anyway. I took him for his word that he was up for the conversation, and told him a couple things I thought would be good to clear up. I told him I had realized too late after our first real date that when I had been having a bad reaction to cologne I thought was the cabbie's, I figured out later it had been his, and I apologized if I made him feel bad and explained that I have supersensitive to fragrances and I had felt horrible about it all these months. This was not understood at all, and I immediately regretted sharing this. He went on for 15 minutes about smelling, smells and me hating the cabbie. Ugh.

Then when he said things were awkward between us now and I disagreed, he asked how I could say that, esp. since we had had the "history"...and I said that since nothing had happened between us romantically, I had given up thinking about him in that way. This was a BIG MISTAKE. He was like "WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE CANCER?!?!" Oh my God. No, no, no, I told him, it was because he didn't show any interest in me - not keeping in touch, never kissing me, cancelling plans, and not making any plans to go out more, etc. I assumed he just wasn't that into me, which was fine, because a) I honestly didn't know if I was into him, and b) he had bigger fish to fry at the time, and I did too - and the bottom line is that I certainly want someone who wants to kiss me. Come on, right?



This did not get through either. He kept saying it was the cancer, but never did he say he *was* indeed attracted to me or anything of the sort. I rested my case that it was better if we were friends anyway. I also said, after he accidentally hung up on me and then called back, that I'd be happy to start over and go out with him again if he asked me, but that we shouldn't consider anything weird. He seemed to agree with that and be content. I finally said good night sometime before 3am. I was exhausted, but also couldn't really sleep. It's weird to find out someone has been thinking about you like that. My mind raced though all of my bad romantic choices and my lack of options and wondered if anyone would ever want to kiss me, and if any guy would ever call me to see if I made it home OK sober. I still can't get these thoughts out of my mind.

(Long story longer on P is that he ignored me all weekend even when he saw me two days later, ignored 2 text msgs, and then finally responded somewhat apologetically to an email I sent saying, basically, WTF.)

And now it's after 4am and my sleep pattern is STILL not back to normal. I might have to go home early from work tomorrow to nap or something. This is terrible! My dang ever-broken heart...wish it could settle down and not be drawn into these things!

My first race...

Last year's Women's Run finish line.
...was great! I got up late (left my phone in the living room...oops!) after dreaming I had missed it and it was 12:15. When I realized it was only 6:30, I took Lois out, got dressed, ate a protein bar, and pedaled fast to get there with only a few minutes to get my timing chip and get in line. It was a HUGE race - who knew? The weather was mild and about 75 when we started, but got really cloudy by the end. Just as I reached for the carnation they give you after the finish, I felt tiny drops of rain, just sprinkling my skin...it was perfect. I walked around getting all the schwaggy giveaways and rode home, took Lois to the park, and now am resting before a trip to the laundromat. Later this evening there's a triathlon meeting/workshop at the running store in Old Town, so that will be a nice bike ride and rev up to get back on the training track.

There were lots of boyfriends/husbands and families cheering runners on, which gave me some pangs of longing, but mainly it was great to do an event like that with a bunch of other women, and for me, and I felt fabulous. I ran well - not fast but steady, with good form, and stopped three times to walk and drop my heart rate to where I wanted it. I could've run harder/faster and not stopped, but I promised my coach I would follow his heart zone training suggestions for it and I did it. Afterward, I feel great and not wiped out, so his way was the right way!

I especially enjoyed (but not in a pervy way!) seeing all the other runners' bodies and running styles. Every woman is so different and beautiful. It was great peoplewatching - and I felt empowered and strong.

Now I have to just get faster, and get my heart in better shape for the triathlon. I want to get to a place where the whole triathlon feels like today did - pushing myself but not dying. I have just over one month to get there. Wish me luck!

Lois - 3 years!

Here is a weird laptop pic of my special pooch, with whom I am celebrating our 3-year anniversary today! Yea! You can also see her fancy new $30 bra (that's a "harness" to most people) and please note how wide it is - I had to special order a size L because she gained 8 pounds in the past year, tipping the scales at 50 pounds! That's comparable to me gaining 40 pounds in a year - yikes! So, now we both need to lose a few.

I got up the guts to talk a bit more to the cute new guy at work, and also to a couple of other ones there - we had a special workshop/meeting today. That was good. I like to, um, rediscover every once in a while that there are actually guys all around, it's just that I don't have crushes on them very easily or often. Maybe if I get more desperate, horny, or bored as the spring progresses, I will become less resigned to singledom, and actually do something about it.

So: yep - I'm home blogging on a Friday night. The plan for dinner with the family was cancelled due to a crazy bike accident in which my stepfather broke his collarbone, so here I am with a free night. Instead of taking the opportunity to go to a really good show at my place of work, for free, I came home, walked Lois, talked on the phone with my mom, ate a weird cheap dinner, then texted back and forth with my friend M, who just broke up with his gf/fb over the phone after like 7 months of dating. Ugh. Such a guy. (At least he feels kinda bad about it.) I'd go drink with him, but I am just so comfortable here at home...plus, he's playing a show at a bar I don't wanna go to, and it's far away for biking, and it's cold out.

I watched a so-so German film about these rich kids in the 1920s who shoot each other because one (played by an actor I like) is secretly gay and depressed. Hm.

So that's my exciting Friday night. I'm gettin' up early tomorrow to go running, even though I'm totally bad at it.

And, even though I am not perfect about pushups, flossing, or talking to new guys either, I think it's time for me to add habit #4: SITUPS! I will start tonight with however many I can do, and report back to you tomorrow.

xo

Buster

I just have to say that I love the guy that plays Byron "Buster" Bluth. Love him. He's hilarious. Especially in season 1. So flipping funny. I'm almost done with the series on DVD, and it will make me sad to say goodbye to all those ridiculous Bluths.

Also, I am TOTALLY boy-crazy now, and may need to start going to evil meat-market-type bars (I'm thinking I should at least go to the suburbs so no one will know me) and try to take up drinking again, though it never really "took" when I tried this spring... NAHHHH - I wouldn't really do any of that.

But, my last internet dating site subscription is finally expiring in two days, and I can't tell you what a relief that will be. It has caused me nothing but the complacent annoyance of thinking I am out there doing something when the reality is that a) I'm not actually doing anything by being on there; no one contacts me anyway and b) I have not met anyone new through that site since the dating iditarod. (Well, one guy, on email only.) And you know what? ALL those guys turned up duds. Though I did get two makeouts out of it; that ain't nothin - but it's next to nothin. AND that was 2 months ago! Jeez.

Seriously.

OK also, work is getting really busy, and I get paid so very little that this is the time when I wonder what the hell I am thinking staying here. Then I sign up for my free "Golden Country" class and wear my jogging clothes to work (all sweaty, for a meeting if I want), and leave in the middle of the workday for a swim, and I forget all the bitterness for a couple of hours...

And I am sitting at my desk enjoying a glass of chianti while I do some data entry and phone calls. Hmm.

Neeeeext!

Ok, so we did it. I helped put on/put together this crazy event last night in the park and we broke our Guinness World Record and had a fabulous, excellent time. Everything worked, worked out, and people thanked me and smiled a lot and there was much hugging, even from my executive director.

But now I don't have anything on the horizon for a while - I mean, of course I have the usual stuff, like teaching my classes, taking my classes, and work, and the upcoming things on my calendar (yea! a gynecologist appointment, molar filling, volunteering for another festival in Sept., etc.) - but nothing really special.

And, mainly, no one really special. No prospects, even. That fact is deeply depressing. I had one of those cathartic late-night, hour-long, dog-walk cries about it on Monday night, and I do feel much better since then, but the fact remains: I am not meeting people here and I've now been here for 10 years, and maybe I'll have to move somewhere else to make that happen for myself. It's weird to have something so dependent on luck be a major factor in my happiness, but that's the way it goes.

So, I'm gonna start really getting rid of stuff in an effort to be move-ready if I can find a place and a job to go to.

The sad thing is, I love it here in Chicago. It's just that Chicago, clearly, doesn't love me. And I guess I should go where I have a better chance at finding someone.

Ouzo at noon

This is Angelo. Angelo is the maintenance director where I work. Please note the red embroidery on his shirt: "Angelo." And what, you ask, is Angelo holding? Why, that's fried calamari legs! The time of this photo is 1pm, today.

Angelo is Greek. His real birthday is July 23, in some unknown year. Angelo is one of those master-of-all trades and he came here from Greece after living a very interesting life. He likes aerobics classes and has an old husky dog and a grown son, and he lives ridiculously far from work. His work hours are something like 4am-12pm. Somehow, three or four years ago, we at work started celebrating "Angelo's birthday" a few times a year at the Greek restaurant down the street, Barba Yianni. He apparently does some work for the place, and they, in turn, allow our rowdy crew of crazy arts people to dine on a major Greek feast, complete with Ouzo and Greek wine, on these very special days. We leave work and meet at noon and spend a couple of hours there. It's a GREAT tradition. Sometimes I don't partake in the drinking, but this time I was very, very into that aspect of the celebration. Take note, singles out there: Drowning one's sorrows in ouzo and Greek food is highly recommended!!


Above is my view of the other end of the table.



Above is a view of my end of the table. Please note my pastiness and unphotogenic-ness, but then, give me a break—I was focusing on my alcohol comsumption, not my appearance.




And last, above, is a lovely picture of the octopus and the "lamb balls," presented by coworkers Janet and Julie.

We were served octopus, grilled and fried calalmari, spinach and cheese pies, cheese pies, saganaki (opah!), Greek sausage, antipasto plates with feta, dips and vegetables, rice and peas and potatoes with tomato sauce, gyros, fresh bread, baklava, Greek coffee, and galaktobouriko, and probably more that I can't remember. I drank two glasses of ouzo and ate some food for the first time in a few days. It was delicious.

I had to have another glass of ouzo when I got back to work, so as to stop obsessing as much as possible and stay focused for the last couple of hours of the day. It didn't really work, but what a great day, anyway!

I also stepped on the scale today, and have lost 10 pounds since a couple weeks ago. Hmm. I would LIKE to eat, just don't have the appetite. But that puts me within 20 pounds of my hottie weight, and THAT would be fun to start the summer with...

Tonight: reconnection with good friend after I swim my blues away, then the Salif Keita concert, or as much of it as I can stand to stay for. I went swimming last night, by the way! It was great.

xo,
your drunky friend