Monday, April 30, 2007

oh how

One of the many supercute babies in my office. It's a freaking baby boom at the folk school.

Ugh, the hell week at work has begun. It's the kind of week where I am afraid to check my voicemail - the little red light just taunts me. I wish I could just go shopping (something I don't even like to do, actually). For anything.

I do need to buy a couple of things:
1) a watch - I lost mine at the pool a few weeks ago
2) better flip-flops - the current ones have dog bite marks and hurt me
3) make-up; like foundation. The last time I bought this was like 10 years ago. Is that gross?
4) black sandals for summer. The ones I have are falling apart. I need something decent to wear on dates, right?

Date #2 was Ok. I like him. It's a slow thing though, still. I wonder if I am permanently damaged and un-fun from the whole dating guy debacle...

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The pool I dream about


The Riverside Health and Fitness Center pool. Yes, my darling, I will fantasize about you later.

Yesterday I went to Kankakee, IL with my brother (see below) and father (in town from Tulsa) to visit my grandparents, uncle and aunt. My grandfather has recently had some knee surgery and he is recovering, and this was my first time seeing him since the surgery. He looked good.

I brought him the giant Hershey's bar that dating guy and I got for him a couple weeks ago when I heard that he was cranky about the hospital moving him in and out of four different rooms within a few days of his operation. Apparently, he'd had a Hershey's bar in one of the rooms and they moved him and never found the candy, and he was *pissed.*

I was somewhat cranky myself all morning, and tired. Even though I'm having an awesome weekend (Stefan's dinner, BBQ and a drink with Bana last night, and date #2 and plans with Miki later today), I'm behind on my personal time, sleep, and all of my work stuff. I made too many plans and yesterday it was getting to me. I just wanted to clean, pick through my purse, sit on my couch and pet my dog. But I found a fitness center in Kankakee that allows day passes, and I borrowed my grandfather's car while they all went to look at the family cemetary plots, and I swam. It was heaven! A cure for all ills!

The pool was non-chlorinated, and super clean and quiet (no bad radio blaring like at the Park District pool) and I was the only person swimming laps. Plus, the locker room was super fancy - the kind where they provide shampoo, shaving cream, shower gel, mouthwash, fluffy towels, hair curlers and dryers, even q-tips. There was a steam room, whirlpool, warm water therapy pool, and sauna. I didn't get to sample all of this luxury, but just the pool itself was heaven enough. I needed it. It was the best $15 I have ever spent.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Happy b-day Stefan!


This is my little brother Stefan, who just turned 34 Thursday. Isn't he cute?

Yesterday, I taught my final Thursday Lincoln Park classes, organized the art room, and then spent $40 at the Paper Source (on basically pens and paper, which I need like holes in my head) before losing my keys and nearly having a breakdown trying to leave work (they were on my carseat, locked in the car). Then I walked through the dense fog with Lois to Sheila's, but missed seeing Sharon, her sister, on My Name is Earl. She was only at the very beginning. Damn!!



The appetite is coming back—maybe I am not dying! I swam today, and after two teaching days (which means non-swimming days, because the f-ing pool is closed @ nighttime for two weeks, making me miss my crucial Wednesday and Thursday night laps and throwing my shower schedule off), I was SO jonesing for it. The water felt great, not too cold like Tuesday, and there was only one super-slow-spaz-stroke-old-geezer swimming in my lane today. It was easy to just keep passing him. I wish that on this blog I could describe the spaz stroke, which a few of the geriatric "swimmers" do at the pool. It's an open-legged and open-armed backstroke but the arms go at the same time. It's the most ridiculous, inefficient style of swimming I have ever seen, plus it takes up nearly the whole lane and creates splashing, wakes, and weirdness. Just so wrong.

Otherwise, things are good right now. Ditched work sorta early today to get to Honky Tonk Happy Hour to meet Rob, which was great - he told me a great story about being auctioned off as a bachelor date for a radio fundraiser in Michigan, and some 50-something boozy rich lady won him for a hike in the woods and a gourmet picnic...Perfect! Then a very chatty coworker came in and took over the conversation, and I had to go anyway. But it was good to see him, the Hoyles sounded great, and Tina even showed up!

Date #2 with new guy is a short meet Sunday. He seems like a very nice guy. He even invited Lois. (How great is that?) I do see him on the dating site a lot, though, like every time I log in, both he and dating guy show up in my little featured online people quadrangle. I don't care, at this point, but it's just - got anything better to do?

I couldn't think of what to get for my brother, and we had a fun family dinner tonight for him at El Llano, a fantastic Colombian restaurant, so in honor of National Stress (Awareness) Month, I got him a gift certificate for a massage at his club. Lame? Not sure.

Happy weekend,
s

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

April showers


Dylan, who's three, drew some barbells for me again today - it is the funniest thing ever - he did it a couple weeks ago, too. Here's the conversation:
Dylan: Reached over and quickly drew the top drawing in front of me, then looked at me, deadpan. "Giant barbell."
Me: "Oh, I see."
Dylan: "Lift it."
Me: Grunted and pantomime-lifted it over my head.
Dylan: Drew smaller barbell. "Tiny barbell."
Me: "Lift it!"
Dylan: Bursts into giggle fit.


Today's project was more feet paintings with my own classes, and this one, by Chloe, stood out. It's the last week of the 16-week session, and I'll really miss these groups. I did receive a few perfect little 2- and 3-year-old leg hugs though - it was awesome.

Last night was fun! New guy looked exactly like his pictures online (he's very good looking) and was super nice and interesting to talk to. He's recently divorced, and that fact figures prominently in his life. He was very open about everything, which was really great - and a definite change for the better. But, that all said, the date didn't have the instant connect, love-(or-something)-at-first-sight, can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other dreaminess that happened with dating guy. I think that was pretty unique. Sigh.

I think I won't get to see him again till next week due to an overbooked weekend, but it seems like that will be happening.

I drank one too many beers (surprise, right?) and rode home through the rainstorm at about midnight. By the time I got home and peeled off the first layer of cold, soaked-through clothing and sent a thank-you email, I was wiped out and fell asleep with lights, radio, bra, socks, earrings, and various other items on. Poor Lois.

FOOD: Blueberry scone (it's usually my favorite) from Starbucks that made me feel sick and grossly full. Still relatively no appetite. Thanks, dating guy!
EXERCISE: None. Maybe something tonight?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Phew!

It's MUCH better. A) I am looking forward to my 'meeting' tonight! B) I decided to just do the good thing I wanted to do re: dating guy and I am happy I did, regardless of any awkwardness, overflow of emotion, or whether it was "deserved" or not. Then I had a little soup and more goldfish crackers, and some potato chip dust. I might even eat dinner.

I'm not gonna get into it here, but let's just say I made peace with some stuff that will let me move on and feel like I have said the positive things I needed to say to the person *I* knew, and I already feel great. I might hide or delete some comments and edit some posts, too, because I really think this has been crazy, and way T.M.I., and I don't necessarily want the world to read about it.

World, aren't you glad to hear that? Yep, I thought so.

xos

Can't sleep...so I'm here


How awesome are these?? From Sheila and Amy's party, 03/16/07; the pies were sent over by Liz. (But they still don't make me hungry.)

I did eat most of a chicken sandwich tonight, though. And a quarter of a brownie, half a protein bar, and about three large handfuls of goldfish crackers during the day. It's a start! Maybe the '____loss weight loss' won't be an effective plan...

I think I am having a reaction to the rejection. The total rejection of me as a person - woman - lover - potential romance/long-term - and, mostly, as a friend.

That must be it. I must have a giant rejection issue. Why else would I be this completely f-ed up over dating guy?

Alls I know is: I have lots of crap to take care of, and this non-eating, non-sleeping depression has GOT to go!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Stop the sadness!

I can't get back to normal!!, though I am trying my darndest, I swear to god.


Above is a picture of this weekend's dance recital - the Mexican Folkloric class; all the kids were awesome. And below is the snack table I set up. Do you like the colored "juices?" Blue was the most popular, then apple, then red.


Lois and I took a long walk this morning, and I went swimming before work, and I did Cardio Pilates for an hour (two "laps" of lunges, ouch!) at lunch, and I'm gonna do Ballet at 6. And I have a date at a dive bar with new guy tomorrow. But still I feel so crappy! Why?!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Holy Sunday Crap

Sheila and I had a great day today. We started at the zoo for a show by The Blisters, then went to breakfast at Harmony Grill (which might be my favorite new brunch spot - I ate a whole meal! Plus, please note my giant, delicious Bloody Mary, at front),
and then went to pick up her stereo at the repair guy, who was hilarious! He told stories of the four times he was nearly killed (three of which were in his shop), showed us pictures of his custom-painted ("the color you dream of" = cream?) 1966 Mercedes and his two prized plant pots. Then we left there (laughing), drove behind a train,
and went to an open studio/art show at Jim Newberry and Derek Erdman's place, which was fabulous! I want to hang out there all the time, and for everyone there to be my best friends. Here is a picture of Derek (L), who made incredible hummus and put out crudite and mango slices and Julia (R), his roommate, who entertained us with fascinating stories of fraud and the public interest, with Jim (R) and a friend of his, chatting in the background.



SO: I drank again last night at the Mad Professor show I attended (alone) down the street at Martyr's. I had a great time, and danced my butt off. It was a virtual sausage-fest, though, and interestingly (and annoyingly, I must say), I was not approached by any of the men in attendance, except for when I rode up on my bike ("Hi. Nice wheels.") and when I left for the night ("Have a safe trip home, Sweetheart."). No one can tell me that it is easy for women to meet guys in bars. I NEVER DO! Even when I wear makeup.

In the middle of my five-beer evening (around number three), I started to text-message people, and this is where I got into trouble. I texted my brother, because he too likes Mad Professor. Then I remembered that dating guy likes him too, and I sent him this:
"at Mad Professor show wishing I didn't f things up - would be fun w/you" at hit send before I really thought that through. Now I have officially bugged him in three digital media forms: email, myspace, and text message. I *AM* done. I swear.

[Meanwhile, I've struck up a conversation online with another guy who seems good so far, and we might meet this week! That's exciting. But weird, and somewhat soon for me. We'll see.]

So, after texting Sheila and Tina too, I danced till 2:00am, came home, let the dog out, hung out, wrote back to new guy, and went to sleep around 3:15am.

At 7:30am today, my cell phone rang. It was all the way across the room, and on Sunday mornings, my mother tends to call to tell me about some interesting piece on the "CBS Sunday Morning" program, and with a hangover like this, I just couldn't rush to get to it. I mean, it's not like I was gonna turn the TV on.

But Lois woke up, so I took her out, and when I came back, I clicked on the phone's "1 missed call" view button, and it was...dating guy.

He didn't leave a message.

xos

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Back - with a vengeance


This is my butt. And here is a funny story: Yesterday afternoon, a woman I work with occasionally, an outreach teacher who is an African and Afro-Brazilian dancer (African-American herself, probably a few years older than me) was at the School, and she pulled me aside in the lobby, saying "Sarah! Sarah! Come here - I have to tell you something!!" She then exclaimed, very enthusiastically: "You have a big butt!" (To this I looked horrified, I am sure.) She continued, "No, no, it's a good thing, girl - you got some nice 'guh-dunk guh-dunk' going on!!"

Now I know this was a compliment, but guh-dunk guh-dunk! How crazy is that?!


Despite my miraculous weight-loss week and my spectacular ass, the depression is back in FULL force today, probably from speaking with my sister-in-law about the dating guy situation. She just called to invite me and him to a barbecue at their house today, and she and my brother have been on vacation for a week. I had to decline and explain.

I did my best yesterday afternoon to drink away my sorrows again with my coworkers - it was a gorgeous day and we took our Friday 4:30pm "Beer O'Clock" thing up to the roof - for the first time in maybe a couple years. It was super fun. (The development guy who is normally mild-mannered actually threw a bag of pretzels at some other people across the building divide. It was hilarious!) My plan then was to go to Honky Tonk Happy Hour w/The Hoyle Brothers at the Empty Bottle, and continue my drinking approach, but I didn't make it. The drive on Western Ave. can be a little tedious if you don't get going right at 5:00. I took Lois to the dog beach instead.


Krissy and Sharon on the other roof. Thrown pretzels to the lower right.

Then Tina did her best to fight away the depression by taking me to Hala Kahiki last night - we drank foofy drinks out of coconuts, shopped in the gift shop, and talked shit about everything. But, it just didn't work - I mean, I had fun with her and I felt better while I was tipsy - MUCH better, actually, but then today? The same nonfunctioning numbness I've had all week is right here with me.

Saturday is especially tough because a) he would call me on Saturdays right before b) Kojak comes on and c) we usually do something on Sat. nights. I just put in a videotape and hit record for Kojak this week; I don't think I can bear watching it til I feel better.

I have so, so, so much of my own stuff to "get into," as Churlita suggested, but what is missing is the WILL to do that; the motivation. I also have to work today a lot and that is not fun. I'd rather go swimming. Or go back in time.

I do know the logical things to do. It's just doing ANYTHING that seems impossible right now...

Friday, April 20, 2007

Friday: a drama in 5 parts

I heard from dating guy. He said he 1) didn't like my emails, 2) "refuses to get into the ____-is-a-bad-person crap," 3) says we're two totally different people (um, yeah...) and 4) doesn't want to hang out.

So...that's that. Because I am following my heart and not my head, I had to write him again and blather on for a few lines about being friends. But he's not hearing me at all at this point, and clearly just doesn't want to own anything about it. I hit send anyway.

I am disappointed. But glad he wrote. And glad I stuck up for myself, and glad I can see where I went wrong, too.

---

SO, HERE is a funny, LONG story about what happens when you are all retarded because you are missing a man. Get comfortable.



Above is Lois with the new bowl I found at the thrift store that matches her old one (except in this picture). (Above the bowls are the two lovely plants I planted for the dating guy, which I now will have to give away to someone else so as not to be reminded of my masochism and his rejection.)


PART 1
You do an art project with your kids classes wherein they paint plant pots. You can't find acrylic paint in the art room, so you use tempera. It looks good, but will completely disintigrate on terra cotta unless you cover or seal it. Since you are in your car anyway and have an hour free before you have to pick up your dog at doggie daycare, you decide to go to Gethsemane, the awesome garden center in Andersonville, your old neighborhood, to ask their advice on a good product that won't kill the plants.

PART 2
You pull into their lot at 5:55pm. Your mind is on the dating guy so you feel sick and spacey. A man says "We're closing at 6pm." and you say "OK, I just have a quick question!" and you walk briskly through the luscious flowers and plants and arrive at the counter. Your friend calls on the phone, and you silence it so as not to be rude. You ask about sealers, and they can't help. They suggest the hardware store across the street, and you head out that way. You call your friend back and chat while browsing for about 20 minutes and purchasing the spray stuff that you hope will work.

When you cross the large busy street again, you notice the closed gate. You get closer, and see that no one is around, and that your car is the only one in there. You see the padlocks and chains locking every entrance and gate, and think of your laptop, purse, work bag, digital camera, and your dog's leash and collar, all locked up for the evening. It is 6:22pm. The dog daycare closes at 7:00pm, after which your dog will have to stay the night. With the guy-induced sadness, you know you need your dog's company, so, in an oddly calm panic, you start looking for a cab.

INTERMISSION:
Watch "Children of Men" (which is excellent!), pet your dog, and be sad and quiet at home all night because you are thankfully unable to obsess online. Eat some soup. Get the best sleep you have had in a week.

PART 3
The garden center opens at 9am, at which time you figure you can call them to find out the fate of your car. But lap swimming is from 8-9am, so you choose to do that, then walk to work to use a work computer to look up the phone number of the place, and call from there. The nice woman who answers at 9:30am says your car is still there, and they would never tow it. You silently bless her and tell her you will come and get it. You check your work voice mail, and set off with your keys, your phone, and a jacket. You miss every bus and end up walking all the way there, about 2-1/2 miles. (You do make one pitstop at the Salvation Army thrift store, and buy an old milk-glass bowl for your dog, a skirt, your millionth black sweater, and a black hoochie-mama dress for summer.)

PART 4
When you arrive, the garden center is busy and you even see two cute guys, which makes you feel like you might not have to worry about suicide after all. But as you get to the gate, you see many cars, but not yours. It is gone. After asking no less than six people, you find someone who helps you. He, a man with long hair and a harley shirt on, says that your car was towed, and seems apologetic about it. (You brace yourself to spend another $250. You feel numb and start to somehow apply guilt about the dating guy to this situation.) Long-hair calls guy #2, who seems much less apologetic, but who breaks the good news that he only had your car towed to somewhere else in the neighborhood. He points down the street and says it's across from a hospital you can see. You thank him and walk over there. You look up and down all the streets. It's hot. Your car is not anywhere. You keep walking. When you finally circle back to the garden center and find the guy again, you are sweating and it is 12:00pm. Another guy says go the opposite direction a few blocks, and you start walking. 20 minutes later, a blue van pulls up beside you as you are just on the verge of that hysterical, homeless-lady laughter - and it's guy #2, gesturing for you to get in, and he drives you to your car, which is sitting, unlocked but intact, like eight blocks away on a sidestreet you would never, in a million years, have found.
Then, you go to work.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

3 times a lady

I've now officially contacted him three times (two via email and one via MySpace message) without hearing a thing back. The last one just said: "What is going on?"

I haven't called him and really, absolutely want to, but I don't think I will. I have to leave it, though it's so confusing. I want to know what is going on in his head! - if I should just totally give up on ever talking to him again? Why? What the heck did I do but open my heart to him (and my bed, my life...) and then open my laptop?

I'm curious what he would be mad about - because if anything, this whole thing happened because I LIKED him, too much.

But I don't feel angry, I just want to connect, and fix it, and move on to being friends.

I am trying to do other things, which isn't working - work, in fact, isn't really working at all (I wish I could take a mental health break, but I would just stew) - and I would LOVE to plan a date with a new guy, but everytime I look on the dating sites, his profile comes up in my matches or in the featured front ones, and it sends me into a tailspin. Plus, of course, everytime I look on there he is online, too.

I wonder too how he has so much luck on those, and I just get dweebs and freaks contacting me.

He's out of town this weekend anyway, so at least I won't have to run into him for a while.

I am just SICK from it all, still. I can't eat again today, and I have terrible taste in my mouth that won't go away. No energy, but I also couldn't sleep. I don't know what to do.

I have never been this sick from a guy before. I think because we weren't serious or boyfriend/girlfriend, I'm shocked that this is feeling and acting like a more serious breakup than I would have expected.

Or, maybe he was the love of my life, and I am just realizing the loss? Hmmmmm....

I have a sense of humor and can sometimes be logical about it, but the physical and mental disability I am experiencing is really, really intense. I don't feel like I'll ever be normal again. I am completely serious.

I need a BIG distraction.

Oh, and my roommate chose Tuesday to tell me that she's 90% likely to be moving out in May, so I have to find a roommate for June 1. Not that kind of distraction.

I can't even cry, I'm so upset with all this.

And you know who would be a great roommate, actually? Dating guy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Ouzo at noon


This is Angelo. Angelo is the maintenance director where I work. Please note the red embroidery on his shirt: "Angelo." And what, you ask, is Angelo holding? Why, that's fried calamari legs! The time of this photo is 1pm, today.

Angelo is Greek. His real birthday is July 23, in some unknown year. Angelo is one of those master-of-all trades and he came here from Greece after living a very interesting life. He likes aerobics classes and has an old husky dog and a grown son, and he lives ridiculously far from work. His work hours are something like 4am-12pm. Somehow, three or four years ago, we at work started celebrating "Angelo's birthday" a few times a year at the Greek restaurant down the street, Barba Yianni. He apparently does some work for the place, and they, in turn, allow our rowdy crew of crazy arts people to dine on a major Greek feast, complete with Ouzo and Greek wine, on these very special days. We leave work and meet at noon and spend a couple of hours there. It's a GREAT tradition. Sometimes I don't partake in the drinking, but this time I was very, very into that aspect of the celebration. Take note, singles out there: Drowning one's sorrows in ouzo and Greek food is highly recommended!!


Above is my view of the other end of the table.



Above is a view of my end of the table. Please note my pastiness and unphotogenic-ness, but then, give me a break—I was focusing on my alcohol comsumption, not my appearance.




And last, above, is a lovely picture of the octopus and the "lamb balls," presented by coworkers Janet and Julie.

We were served octopus, grilled and fried calalmari, spinach and cheese pies, cheese pies, saganaki (opah!), Greek sausage, antipasto plates with feta, dips and vegetables, rice and peas and potatoes with tomato sauce, gyros, fresh bread, baklava, Greek coffee, and galaktobouriko, and probably more that I can't remember. I drank two glasses of ouzo and ate some food for the first time in a few days. It was delicious.

I had to have another glass of ouzo when I got back to work, so as to stop obsessing as much as possible and stay focused for the last couple of hours of the day. It didn't really work, but what a great day, anyway!

I also stepped on the scale today, and have lost 10 pounds since a couple weeks ago. Hmm. I would LIKE to eat, just don't have the appetite. But that puts me within 20 pounds of my hottie weight, and THAT would be fun to start the summer with...

Tonight: reconnection with good friend after I swim my blues away, then the Salif Keita concert, or as much of it as I can stand to stay for. I went swimming last night, by the way! It was great.

xo,
your drunky friend

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Settling


Here is Lois on her first day back at the dog beach, last month. I think we'll be able to go this weekend, too - the weather is supposed to be lovely!

So my stomach is settling down, and I am mellow and not as anxious/upset today. I didn't swim this morning as I usually do, but I am hopeful that I will feel like doing it tonight. I have even eaten today! Skittles and a Twix only, though, and some water and some green tea.

I am on the mend. I emailed the dating guy today and feel good about what I said to him. He got huffy that I "read his gmail," but I told him I hadn't really, which is true. I probably should have! Yesterday, I de-friended him on myspace, and today, he de-contacted me on googletalk. It's all a bit junior high, but it's about self-protection for me. I miss him already, but maybe it'll be OK soon. Maybe we can be friends again? Not sure.

A good friend sent me the funniest three emails ever, which I must repost:

1) "...HE WAS CHECKING HIS EMAIL FROM OTHER CHICKS AT YOUR HOUSE! AND DIDN'T LOG OFF!!!!! HE DOESN'T GET TO TAKE THE "HIGH GROUND" ON THIS ONE. WHAT A FUCKING MORON. I would say that. I would say...'well, I would never check my emails from other guys AT YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.'
I'm sorry Sarah, he's so LESS than mediocre. If you didn't read the email of a guy who checked his email at your HOUSE, you'd be a dumbass. It's one thing if you're in HIS office or in HIS house, but you weren't.
But you've kissed another frog and you can move on."


2) "And next time a guy wants to check his email at your house you will be like:
a) 'OK, but if you're checkin' your emails for other chicks...you better remember to log out.'
or just plain:
b) 'So. is this a date, or what??'
It's just rude, Sarah. Ya don't make calls to work or your friends when you're on a date, so why on EARTH would you check your email?"


3) "Ok, my handsome tech guy just said that checking emails at a girl's house is SOOOOO bad...or checkin' your blackberry. And 'She shoulda bounced him right outta there BEFORE she knew he was checking for chick's email.'
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."


Don't you love her email style?! I do agree that I'm an idiot for letting him use my laptop. (Just like I was an idiot to think there was something between us!)

I need to learn to do better manhunting, and quick, because I'm ready for something good. I haven't gotten any interesting hits from the ridiculously expensive dating sites yet today, and I don't know why - I might have to hire a professional photographer. Or someone to write my profiles? I just don't want to have to settle for someone who isn't really, really into me and really, really, really GREAT and thoughtful, honest - and hot!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Oh, to be back to the normal misery...

You know that feeling of no hope? Where you are single, and not even really bothering, and you know you don't have any prospects even to crush on or to call for sex, and you could really care less? I CRAVE that feeling right now!! I absolutely can't wait for it to come back. I was so boy-crazy that I let myself get into this thing that blinded me and made me a happy, dumb idiot. I was so high on dating guy and his compliments and our fun times and simply having some new input/perspective into my life, that now it's gonna just take some time to come down to earth again. And this, the lowering back into normalcy, is the hardest part.

It's sad to sort of give up the idea that all those things you talked about with the person, like future events and people and activities and food even - you'll never go to/meet/do/eat these things. You know? You'll just think of the person every time the things or situations come up, and be sad or bitter or glad or whatever way you feel about them at that moment, but some things will always just be linked to that person forever, because you put stock and emotion and hope into a future of some kind with them. (It's fun to do! You *should* do that when you are in a new relationship. It's just that it leaves the icky metal taste in your mouth later. You have to risk it.)

And here I am, telling you... this—this return—is the worst part. It's brutal!

Worst for me right now because I have no closure, and though the ball is "in his court," he hasn't contacted me yet and apparently just doesn't care to. That's the slap on top of the burn. It's hard to reconcile that that's the same person I was so excited to hang out with just 2 days ago, who I thought of as a friend!

So I have to just try to get back to me, but also get back to the reality that children are getting less and less likely, that meeting someone decent will be near to impossible, and that I will probably have to be alone for a long, long stretch again, so I'd better find some things to enjoy about it.

So here is a start. Positive things about being suddenly devastated about a guy:
  • I felt too shitty and nauseus to really eat today (less calories! losing weight from sadness - the new diet!)
  • I didn't do either of my classes (ballet or pilates) due to feeling upset, so my clothes I brought for those classes are still clean for the next time!
  • I got to talk on the phone to both Churl and PM, which always reminds me how lucky I am to know such funny and smart people
  • I will have something to talk to my therapist about tomorrow
See? It's the road to recovery.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Broken promises to myself



...that I would not get too ensnared in anything with the dating guy and really try going with the "just dating" flow for 3 months

...that I would never go more than 50% in a relationship with a guy again

...that I would not write about super-private dumb personal stuff on this blog

That said, here is what is happening: dating guy and I had fun at the dance workshop yesterday, and he paid me back for it, and paid more than he should have (weird thing #1). Then, we went back to my apartment and I made dinner, and then he spent the night (his idea - all along? Not sure). It wasn't the best of our (very few) night-spending experiences (weird thing #2); something seemed a little off, but whatever.

We woke up and I packed him a doggie bag of leftover food (just another example of the many broken promise #2s with him) and he and the dog and I walked for a few blocks, where we said goodbye and he pecked me on the lips and I raced home to get ready for a work thing at my boss's house, which I always forget the address for. So I open my computer to find & write down the address, and, out of habit, check my gmail. There are 2 new messages, and one is from match.com, which I deleted immediately because I'm (well, was) currently deactivated and I hate getting messages from them, and then I notice a bunch, like 30 more! are emails from match.com in my inbox but they say the same handle name (not mine) and a bunch of women's names... THEN I notice name I don't recognize on the left in the contacts, and then, after clicking on a random email, and seeing xoxo ____(dating guy - weird thing #3 - he never signs that with me) and xoxo _____ (girl I thought he was not seeing anymore), I REALIZE I AM LOOKING AT DATING GUY'S email account!, which he must have left open on my computer (weird thing #4), which he must have used when I was out walking my dog the night before. (He had also signed on to myspace, but it logged him out.)

If you know the gmail interface at all, you'll know how this could have happened - it was like bizarro-world email account for a few minutes til it dawned on me what I was looking at. I emailed him right away at 11am to say he had done this and I had closed it rather than reading "all his secrets." I thought it was nice of me to let him know. He didn't respond (and still hasn't) though he's been online a lot today since then.

Needless to say, if you know me at all, this whole thing threw me into a horrible panic, sadness, and gut-wrenchingly rock-bottom mood for the rest of the day and is still pretty bad. Why? Well, 1) when I'd asked if he was on match.com like a month ago, he said "no." Was he lying? 2) "xoxo"?? WTF? I know he and I are "just dating," but what exactly is he doing with her? And I just let him sleep in my bed!! 3) Why the f did he leave his email open on my computer, anyway? (Trying to tell me something?) 4) He has, for the month and a half we have been seeing each other on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, sent an email *like clockwork* after our dates the next day saying "thanks I had a great/good time," etc. - I got nothing today (weird thing #100).

5) OK, He still has not emailed or called. It's midnight.

I have decided for now to not contact him anymore, but if he asks me to go out again, I'm just not sure what to do or say. I mean, in many ways I was super happy about having met him, and hopeful about the possibilities with him. It's such a disappointment, I can't even describe it.

I reactivated my salon.com account, and reactivated my match.com account too. F him. I'm going to find a QUALITY guy!

Comments (advice) craved!!

xos

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Plan


Here's my favorite of the three excellent feet paintings I photographed today after teaching four (yes, four) classes in a row. It's by three-year-old Declan from the 10am class. We used yellow, blue, red and white tempera paint and painted barefoot. So much fun — and messy!!

OK, I have absolutely nothing to show for my cleaning efforts last night. In fact, it probably looks worse. I did change my sheets and hang up the last new curtain, but frankly, having my roommate not there this weekend just makes me want to do other things besides cleaning, like sing along with the Go-Gos 2-disc set at the top of my lungs, and chase Lois back and forth from the kitchen to the front room, then flop down on the couch and do things like read the Readers I have kept for the past three months.

But this weekend, I have many things planned, so I have to stay on track. MOST of the time, i.e., for the past six months, I have had nearly nothing planned, and just sit around and watch DVDs or work or something. But this one will be good, even with some work stuff peppered in — that is, if I can make it without getting sick or having some kind of too-busy meltdown:

Tonight:
Walk Lois
Laundry
Groceries
Bake pie (!) for tomorrow or start the potatoes or salad maybe...
Plan clothing for maximum cuteness and warmth (it is still 40° here)
Play with Lois
Go to Metro with Sheila to see the bands Loney, Dear (cute Swedes) and Low (cute Mormons)
Sleep

Saturday:
Early walk with Lois
Coffee with Tina
Brunch with my Dad (in town from Tulsa)
Frantically clean apartment and get ready
Walk Lois again
Cajun Dance workshop *with dating guy = fun!*
Walk Lois
Make dinner for dating guy at my place

Sunday
Lois to dog park or dog beach even if it's cold
Work training thing 11-3
Rodney Crowell at OTSFM (part of the Robbie Fulks Secret Country series, which I adore)

Have a good weekend everybody!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

P.S. This is what I have to deal with. TONIGHT.


Lovely, huh? This is why I invite people over. Maybe we'll do a before and after pic.

(BUT, I also rented this:

which I fully expected to bee cheesy and bad, but it was so very much worse. The best part of the movie, truly, is the people at the end in the credits doing Rocky runs up those steps in Philly and boxing the air. Seriously. Just skip to that part if you mistakenly rent this film.)

TGITH


So, this is what it's come to, huh? - in just four short posts, I am now officially blogging about kids' art projects. But aren't they cute? We made masks today.

Now, I am heading home from work. I have done almost nothing today except teach and take my cardio pilates class. In fact, I am still in the clothes of that class, but have to change to go home, or else I will freeze. There are SOME good things about working for nearly no money at an arts education nonprofit. Today, I can think of three: 1) free cardio pilates class taught by boss in middle of workday with four other coworkers wherein we use jumpropes 2) no dress code at all. I am wearing old capri sweats, long sleeve t-shirt with jogging bra, and no socks or makeup of any kind 3) teaching kids art to start the day off and spending about an hour cleaning the art room and buying containers to better sort the crayons - I love that stuff.

In dating news, I don't know if you read about it, but yesterday the Postmaster General came to Chicago to declare that we officially have the worst mail service in the entire country. In this article from the Chicago Tribune, notice the aldermanic ward mentioned at the end? Yeah, that's where I live. SO OF COURSE, dating guy did not receive his little dorkfest invitation until tonight, so I had to tell him about it. It's doubly embarrassing. He was nice about it, though, and I don't think he is too scared off... yet. As I am saying again, and again, and again with this guy: we'll see!

I am SO happy it is 6pm on Thursday. Even though I will be at work for a workshop on Saturday and for a training thing at my boss's house Sunday, and there are four art classes and a deadline for my intern between now and freedom tomorrow, I am still super happy that the weekend is almost here. More tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Yuck.


OK, this is spring?? Here's the view out of work's back door.

To make it *feel* a bit more springy, here are some of my art class projects to look at. Keep in mind: it's 2 year olds. First, we have the nasturtiums they planted from seeds 2 weeks ago:


And the plant pots they painted today:


And then there is the "Carrot Soup" we made last week:


And the alligators from a couple weeks back:



Oh, and here's something super fun to watch!:

Dr. Stringz (Andrew Bird on a kids' show) on YouTube

(Yea Andrew! Whether you like his rock or not, you gotta admit this is the cutest.)

Long, long day (but good!)


Above is one of the things I pre-spent my tax refund on. I got the top bear print (Edith Frost and the Zincs, poster by the amazing Diana Sudyka of Bird Machine) framed today at The Great Frame Up, which was kind of fun and not really that cheap.

This will be short because I'm falling asleep as I type, but today was a good, but lengthy, day. See, I took the day off, but I got up at 7, walked Lois, went to work to open the building and talk to Angelo, the maintenance director, and then went swimming. I've also been spending a lot more money than I should, but I've gotten some things taken care of that I was hoping to, and others, like laundry and cleaning my bedroom, just didn't happen, and it's all just as well, because my evening has ended very nicely (yes, dating guy called! and no, he hasn't gotten his special mailed envelope yet...)

I get nervous in general on Tuesday nights because for the past academic year I've been teaching kids art classes on both Wednesday and Thursday mornings, and that means a) extremely limited morning time for getting ready and playing with Lois, and b) that I'll have to crunch my "real" work into the afternoon and always do a lot of catch up. Also it's 2- and 3-year-olds, so it's a lot of energy and concentration and a whole different kind of work and interaction from the rest of life.

I'm exhausted by Fridays. Plus, THIS week (just like last week), I am subbing 4 classes on Friday morning for my friend Carolyn, so it's all just amplified.

So: what am I doing up at 1am? Well, that's easy: TAXES! It took like 4 hours altogether mainly because of rounding up the paperwork and dealing with the online stuff. But I just finished, and I am getting a rather large federal refund (that I've spent I am sure) and a $75 state refund. Sweet!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Welcome



This is my brand-new cousin, Spencer Roane, when he was about 12 hours old. He was born on Saturday to my awesome cousin Mike and his wife Kari, two days after Kari's own birthday. I'm so excited to meet him in person soon!

OK, world: today is the first day of Sarah's fitness explosion. I am into it so far (it is 2:45pm, you know), even though my cramps are wreaking havoc on my gut and somehow also on my head and sinuses. Today I walked Lois, did a cardio pilates class (including jump-roping!), am heading home for dog walk #2, and will have ballet at 6, followed by a nice long evening walk to top it off. I LOVE my ballet class--have I told you that lately? (Oh, yeah, I haven't told you anything lately...)

Tomorrow I'm walking Lois early as hell, then coming to work, opening the building for the mf-ing early class, and then swimming laps from 8-9am with the ladies at the pool. I love the ladies. Let's hope there is no one I know there...

Hmm, I also can't find my good goggles so I might just have to go buy some today.

SO, the only other news is that I did the world's dorkiest thing yesterday, and now it is done and I can't take it back, even though today I am realizing the tomfoolery and potential freak-alert that doing it might give the guy I am dating. What I did was the kind of thing that happens when you a) spend most of the weekend cleaning your horrifying apartment, plus b) have your period, plus c) like the guy you are dating a little too much, but have no good way of showing it because of the heatlhy constraints of the dating convention...: See, I made a homemade "formal" invitation asking him to come to my place for dinner next weekend and mailed it to his apartment (which I hope was the right address). What the f?

Now, the thing is, I also DREW on the envelope, cut out random shpaes, and added things in dorky junior high colored pen inside. I used a glue stick to construct it. It is somewhat cute, but it could also be seen as creepy—we'll see, I guess! After I dropped it in the mailbox, I had a moment of panic and thought about waiting til this morning at 10am and asking the mail truck driver to let me fish it out, but oh well. I figure dating guy will have to find out sometime (if he doesn't know already) that I am supergeek girl #1.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I haven't been here in so long!



Well, Peter has started a blog and Churlita's is going so strong, and Jim and Joyce are rocking the Sofia blog, so I am all in the mood again. Plus it's spring, they say, and I'm getting that restless feeling so I'll blog for a while. If anyone actually reads this, I will be surprised and delighted.

Today is Easter - not just regular-people Easter, but also Greek Easter, which rarely falls on the same day because the Orthodox calendar is different, which means some people in my family are recovering from being in church til 3am last night.

To check in on the holy ones, I went to my brother and sister-in-law's house this morning for a fabulous breakfast and visit. Stefan made a yummy feta-onion-mushroom-tomato omelet, biscuits, and sausage patties, and I brought over a fruit salad. Dina's coffee was excellent, and I think I had like 4 mimosas. It was lovely. I also ate all of the 10 or so jelly beans my grandmother (Yia Yia) put on a plate of Easter cookies for them. Oh well.

Then they were heading to a friend's Greek Easter party, where there would be Greek dancing and LAMB ON A SPIT. Seriously. Somewhere in Chicagoland!

Sometimes I think the Greeky Greek life would be fun, but most of the time, I just like to hear about it like a travelogue. Plus I cherish my WASPy/Sharecropper/Scotch-Irish-British and Swedish roots too much to eschew them for the quarter of Mediterrannean I've got...

Instead of that, I came home, sorted and cleaned a little, napped, hung up a new framed poster, made popcorn, walked my dog for an hour and a half, washed my dog (see below), and now am messing around on the internets.



After I clean that mess, I'll pop in the last disc of MI-5, do one more dog walk when she feels dried off enough, and, since I'm really in the mood for a Coca-Cola, I might just go get one of those somewhere, and then probably go to bed early. Is anything even open on Easter night?