Broken promises to myself

...that I would not get too ensnared in anything with the dating guy and really try going with the "just dating" flow for 3 months

...that I would never go more than 50% in a relationship with a guy again

...that I would not write about super-private dumb personal stuff on this blog

That said, here is what is happening: dating guy and I had fun at the dance workshop yesterday, and he paid me back for it, and paid more than he should have (weird thing #1). Then, we went back to my apartment and I made dinner, and then he spent the night (his idea - all along? Not sure). It wasn't the best of our (very few) night-spending experiences (weird thing #2); something seemed a little off, but whatever.

We woke up and I packed him a doggie bag of leftover food (just another example of the many broken promise #2s with him) and he and the dog and I walked for a few blocks, where we said goodbye and he pecked me on the lips and I raced home to get ready for a work thing at my boss's house, which I always forget the address for. So I open my computer to find & write down the address, and, out of habit, check my gmail. There are 2 new messages, and one is from match.com, which I deleted immediately because I'm (well, was) currently deactivated and I hate getting messages from them, and then I notice a bunch, like 30 more! are emails from match.com in my inbox but they say the same handle name (not mine) and a bunch of women's names... THEN I notice name I don't recognize on the left in the contacts, and then, after clicking on a random email, and seeing xoxo ____(dating guy - weird thing #3 - he never signs that with me) and xoxo _____ (girl I thought he was not seeing anymore), I REALIZE I AM LOOKING AT DATING GUY'S email account!, which he must have left open on my computer (weird thing #4), which he must have used when I was out walking my dog the night before. (He had also signed on to myspace, but it logged him out.)

If you know the gmail interface at all, you'll know how this could have happened - it was like bizarro-world email account for a few minutes til it dawned on me what I was looking at. I emailed him right away at 11am to say he had done this and I had closed it rather than reading "all his secrets." I thought it was nice of me to let him know. He didn't respond (and still hasn't) though he's been online a lot today since then.

Needless to say, if you know me at all, this whole thing threw me into a horrible panic, sadness, and gut-wrenchingly rock-bottom mood for the rest of the day and is still pretty bad. Why? Well, 1) when I'd asked if he was on match.com like a month ago, he said "no." Was he lying? 2) "xoxo"?? WTF? I know he and I are "just dating," but what exactly is he doing with her? And I just let him sleep in my bed!! 3) Why the f did he leave his email open on my computer, anyway? (Trying to tell me something?) 4) He has, for the month and a half we have been seeing each other on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, sent an email *like clockwork* after our dates the next day saying "thanks I had a great/good time," etc. - I got nothing today (weird thing #100).

5) OK, He still has not emailed or called. It's midnight.

I have decided for now to not contact him anymore, but if he asks me to go out again, I'm just not sure what to do or say. I mean, in many ways I was super happy about having met him, and hopeful about the possibilities with him. It's such a disappointment, I can't even describe it.

I reactivated my salon.com account, and reactivated my match.com account too. F him. I'm going to find a QUALITY guy!

Comments (advice) craved!!

xos