Oh, to be back to the normal misery...

You know that feeling of no hope? Where you are single, and not even really bothering, and you know you don't have any prospects even to crush on or to call for sex, and you could really care less? I CRAVE that feeling right now!! I absolutely can't wait for it to come back. I was so boy-crazy that I let myself get into this thing that blinded me and made me a happy, dumb idiot. I was so high on dating guy and his compliments and our fun times and simply having some new input/perspective into my life, that now it's gonna just take some time to come down to earth again. And this, the lowering back into normalcy, is the hardest part.

It's sad to sort of give up the idea that all those things you talked about with the person, like future events and people and activities and food even - you'll never go to/meet/do/eat these things. You know? You'll just think of the person every time the things or situations come up, and be sad or bitter or glad or whatever way you feel about them at that moment, but some things will always just be linked to that person forever, because you put stock and emotion and hope into a future of some kind with them. (It's fun to do! You *should* do that when you are in a new relationship. It's just that it leaves the icky metal taste in your mouth later. You have to risk it.)

And here I am, telling you... this—this return—is the worst part. It's brutal!

Worst for me right now because I have no closure, and though the ball is "in his court," he hasn't contacted me yet and apparently just doesn't care to. That's the slap on top of the burn. It's hard to reconcile that that's the same person I was so excited to hang out with just 2 days ago, who I thought of as a friend!

So I have to just try to get back to me, but also get back to the reality that children are getting less and less likely, that meeting someone decent will be near to impossible, and that I will probably have to be alone for a long, long stretch again, so I'd better find some things to enjoy about it.

So here is a start. Positive things about being suddenly devastated about a guy:

• I felt too shitty and nauseus to really eat today (less calories! losing weight from sadness - the new diet!)
• I didn't do either of my classes (ballet or pilates) due to feeling upset, so my clothes I brought for those classes are still clean for the next time!
• I got to talk on the phone to both Churl and PM, which always reminds me how lucky I am to know such funny and smart people
• I will have something to talk to my therapist about tomorrow

See? It's the road to recovery.