Why always in ALL CAPS?

Unrelated movie reco: Volver. Carmen Maura + Penélope Cruz's rack = Almodovar gem.

I have to dedicate this whole post to the message I just got on MySpace. Now, I get a lot of crazy messages, as does every female, I am sure. For example, the no-punctuation one-liner from Monday: "WHASSUP U LOOKIN FINE AND SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL HOW U DOING TODAY"

or this one, from Beto, 19: "HEY WELL I DONT USUALY SAY THIS TO OLDER WOMAN BUT UR ONE HOT GIRL WELL HOPE U DONT GET MAD FOR THE RANDOM MESSAGE :)"

But this one, from DAN (see pic), takes the cake:

May 16, 2007 11:26 PM
Subject: ANYONE WITH DOGS ON HER CHEST IS OK
Body: DEAREST SARAH
WE ARE PLEASED TOO ANNOUNCE THAT
THERE MIGHT BE NEW MAN ABOUT TO ENTER YOUR LIFE.THIS GUY IS JUST WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
HE HAS ENDEARING QUALITY'S SUCH AS LOYALTY, NEATNESS AND ENDLESS CHARM.
HE CAN COOK, CLEAN AND FIND LOOSE CHANGE UNDER THE BED.
HE IS HAPPIEST WHEN HE CAN HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.
HE CAN GROW A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER OUT OF A PILE OF CRAP
HE WILL BAIT YOUR HOOK BUT HE WILL TEASE YOU ABOUT IT.
HE SEE’S THING DIFFERENTLY THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
HE'S READY TO FULFILL YOUR WILDEST FANTASIES AS LONG AS YOU CAN TAKE IT
HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY GAMES.
HE CAN HELP YOU LOOK FOR THE POT AT THE END OF A RAINBOW.
HE WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A LADY BUT WOULD RATHER YOU NOT ACT LIKE ONE.
HE WILL TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK AND REALLY MEAN IT.
HE WILL CATER TO YOUR NEEDS ONLY IF YOU BEG.
HE WON’T MAKE YOU LOOK AT HIS ART; HE WILL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHY.
HE HAS THE CAPACITY TOO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU’RE FRIENDS SAY.
HE HAS FOUND THE MEANING OF LIFE HE MAY OR MAY NOT SHARE.
HE COULD GIVE YOU CHILDREN BUT WOULD RATHER NOT.
HE WILL BUY YOU DINNER AND NOT EXPECT YOU TO PAY FOR THE MOVIE.
HE HAS A LOT BETTER THINGS TO DO IN BED THAN EAT CRACKERS.
HE CAN LOOK YOU DEEP IN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE PROMISED LAND.
HE REALIZES THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT AND WILL ONLY SHED NEW LIGHT ON IT.
HE WILL PUT THE SEAT DOWN BUT ONLY IN THE DARK.
HE CAN PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS IF HE DISIRES.
HE CAN GIVE YOU EVERYTHING AS LONG AS YOU WANT NOTHING.
HE CAN SEE THE LIGHT IF YOU GET HIS GLASSES.
HE KNOWS WHEN TO GO BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.
HE MAY FIND YOUR 1 FAULT AND WILL TELL NO ONE.
HE COULD LOVE YOU TO DEATH BUT WOULD RATHER LET YOU LIVE.
HE WILL ASK YOU TOO FIGURE THIS OUT db9629me AT yahoo DOT com AND YOU WILL.
HE WILL ASK YOU WHAT WINE YOU’LL LIKE WITH DINNER BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE.
HE IS FULLY CAPABLE OF MULTI TASKING BUT ONLY USES THIS SKILL IN BED.
HE CAN SEE THE BEAUTY IN ATOMS BEING STRUNG TOGETHER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT OBJECT.
HE WILL FIND ALL YOU HAVE LOST AND ONLY CHARGE THE MINIMUM TO TELL YOU WHERE IT IS.
HE CAN TREAT YOU AS A QUEEN BUT WOULD RATHER TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL.
HE KNOWS WHAT WORDS LIKE HATE, DESPISE, JEALOUSY, DIVORCE MEAN BUT WOULD RATHER NOT PRACTICE THEM.
HE WILL BE YOUR FRIEND WHEN YOU CAN DEPEND ON NO ONE.
YOU MAY FIND THIS MAN ANYWHERE BUT YOU WOULD HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AT EMAIL ABOVE.
IF YOU THINK A GOOD TIME IS MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL THAN PHYSICALOGICAL HIT DELETE AND TRY AGAIN.

-----------
OK.

a) What the hell does that last line mean?
b) What is this about the multitasking in bed? Yipes. Icky. And.. crackers?
c) "Atoms being strung togeth"---WHAT?!

Now, I've worked for f-ing Public Access Television, I have made espresso drinks, alone, in the middle of a public street, and I have had to wake sleeping homeless guys in Grant Park to tell them to get the hell out of the flower beds or please don't pee/plug in your razor/fight each other on the stage, but there is a limit to the online nutters I can handle. It might be time for me to change my picture on MySpace.

xo